Family Stages Of Grief Analysis

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Parent and Family Stages of Grief by averageguy

There have been several threads in this forum about coming out of the closet to one's parents. Some have been aimed at the more practical (how do I do it, and when?) to the more philosophical (how will they react, and why?).

A fellow moderator here suggested that I write a post that frames parent-reactions in terms of Swiss-born psychiatrist, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' Five Stages of Grief. I mulled this suggestion over for the last few weeks, and decided that it was, in fact, appropriate to do. My initial hesitation stemmed from a cringe that somehow "coming out" = grief on other's parts. After all, sons were coming out to a parent(s), not dying. Should we assume that this news is negative, …show more content…
Those who adhere strongly to this theory will tell you that they are linear in progression, meaning that you must go through, and reconcile, each stage as listed. If you don't, you are bound to regress in your healing and revisit certain stages until that stage is reconciled. The other thing they believe, is that all people go through all stages.

Personally, I think people generally do go through these stages in dealing with grief. I think some go through them faster than others, but my experience has been that people do go through them, and basically in this order. How long they linger at each stage, and how quickly they get to "acceptance" depends, in large measure, on how grief-stricken they are by the loss.

In terms of coming out, realize that we as gay men may very well have gone through these stages too in recognizing - and then accepting - our own sexuality. Other gay people you meet could be going through the same process and may be at a different stage than you in acceptance. That's OK - what's important is that you understand that.

Lastly, know that not all parents will feel grief when you come out to them. Some may be happy, for any number of reasons. Some may have a neutral, no-big-deal, reaction. Others may feel sadness, or a sense of loss. In these negative cases, perhaps this will …show more content…
I'm also listing examples of comments or questions that are common with each stage from your perspective as someone coming to terms with your own sexuality; from a parent's perspective; and from a wife's perspective:

Stage One: Denial

This first stage happens immediately. People can express themselves as "shocked." "I had no idea..." "This can't be."

Yourself: "I'm not really gay." "I don't dislike girls." "I've never been with a guy." "I don't think I'm gay." "I will feel straight if I have sex with a girl." "I've never had sex with a guy, therefore, I'm not technically gay."

Parent: "No you're not." "No one in the family is gay, and you're not either." "You don't act gay." "You don't know what you're feeling." "Have sex with a girl and you won't feel that way anymore." "You're confused." "You need therapy."

Wife: "You're not the man I married." "You're stressed/tired/angry." "You're in mid-life crisis." "You're too manly to be gay." "Let's get therapy; I know you're not gay." "You have sex with me, thus, you're not really
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